- Why, when my kids want me to do something with them and I don’t feel like it, does “Cat’s in the Cradle” begin to play in my head?
- When I die, I want people to say of me, “Man, he sure owed me a lot of money!”
- Every relationship contains at least 1 crazy person. Just make sure the crazy one is you.
- Studies show that Americans are 60% worse at geography than the country that’s right on top of us like our hat.
- I hate when I run out of toilet paper in a public stall and I have to ask the guy next to me to come wipe me.
- 12 years of school and some college and I’m still never sure if it’s “grey” or “gray”.
- If you ever get screwed over by a landscaper, a great prank would be to do a crappy job mowing your lawn and then put their sign up to advertise.
- Since the United States Women’s Soccer team managed to win the World Cup, the entire world should have to now call it soccer.
- I was in a band called “Missing Cat”. We just didn’t have the money or ambition to post our own flyers.