Life Hacks: Born on the First of July



  • I hope you don’t look too deeply into the fact that I flipped over your sofa cushions and left your party without saying goodbye to anyone.
  • Neck tattoos: used to avoid people with them because they may be dangerous. Now I avoid them because I don’t want to hear about their vegan bicycle.
    *opponent grabs a spiked mace
    * I pick up doo doo on a stick
    * crowd gasps
  • Stop calling it a garage! It’s my dojo, where I do important karate things!
  • Just pacing in front of the candy aisle, waiting for another fat guy to make his choice. It’s common courtesy.
  • Instead of getting your Whoop Ass from a can, might I suggest getting it fresh locally?
  • Shia LeBeouf is the only celebrity that my butthole can pronounce.
  • Folks! Remember this Independence Day weekend to point all fireworks AWAY from our shark infested and flammable shorelines.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s