- I hope you don’t look too deeply into the fact that I flipped over your sofa cushions and left your party without saying goodbye to anyone.
- Neck tattoos: used to avoid people with them because they may be dangerous. Now I avoid them because I don’t want to hear about their vegan bicycle.
- CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON!
*opponent grabs a spiked mace
* I pick up doo doo on a stick
* crowd gasps
- Stop calling it a garage! It’s my dojo, where I do important karate things!
- Just pacing in front of the candy aisle, waiting for another fat guy to make his choice. It’s common courtesy.
- Instead of getting your Whoop Ass from a can, might I suggest getting it fresh locally?
- Shia LeBeouf is the only celebrity that my butthole can pronounce.
- Folks! Remember this Independence Day weekend to point all fireworks AWAY from our shark infested and flammable shorelines.