Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: Mother's Mercy

Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! (image via HBO)
Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! (image via HBO)

How to Talk to Your Dragon Because He Doesn’t Speak English, Dummy

Riding a dragon away from a battle sure looks cool. There’s style points for days associated with such a move. The thing is, Daenerys has no control over the damn thing. Drogon flew ‘til he got tired and now he has to rest up and lick his wounds.

Dany needs to get back and finish running Meereen into the ground. Her people who don’t want her really need her! While she’s gone, Tyrion and the ball-less brigade are keeping an eye on the place. You know, Tyrion, Varys, Grey Worm, and Missandei might actually do a half-decent job…

Dany stupidly wanders off from her fire breathing body guard and finds herself surrounded by a Dothraki horde. I don’t think they’re going to respond too well to, “Stop, I was married to Khal Drogo but accidentally killed him when I let someone use blood magic on him!” She’s right back to where she started.

Never fear, the crack team of Ser Jorah Friendzone and Daario Naharis are coming to the rescue! Jorah will probably be rubbing his greyscale wrist on Daario’s bathing suit area as soon as the sellsword falls asleep.


Duty vs. Self

Arya and Brienne are both faced with choices between personal vendettas and duty this week. Arya has been counting down her hit list as her bedtime prayers for years now. She simply could not pass up a chance to take out a key figure on that list. Ser Meryn Trant’s end was grisly, even by Thrones standards. It was well-deserved, especially after seeing what floated his boat in that Braavosi brothel.

Arya taunted Ser Meryn by saying “You’re no one, you’re nothing.” That’s not entirely true. Trant’s demise was so valuable that she was willing to risk her entire mission to become “no one” just to take him out. Arya paid dearly for stabbing Ser Meryn’s eyes out with the seeming loss of her own sight. Jaqen H’ghar has punished her, but he isn’t done with her yet. Arya really might have gotten in over head this time.

Brienne, however, didn’t (immediately) pay quite so dearly for her decision. She finally got her chance to avenge Renly’s death, coming upon a defeated Stannis in the woods just outside of Winterfell. She’s got that red off of her ledger now. Quenching her thirst for vengeance made her miss her opportunity at rescuing Sansa. Now she’s just going to be sitting and staring at that tower in Winterfell until the end of time. Come on, Brienne!


Reeking Sansa

Roose Bolton actually followed Ramsay’s advise, going on the offensive to meet Stannis in the field of battle. It worked out well as the Boltons easily slaughtered the Baratheon army. This aggression did finally give Sansa a chance to escape from Ramsay. Sansa goes to the tower and lights the candle as instructed, but her hero is off fulfilling a personal desire for revenge. Sansa needs to do this herself.

While searching for a way out, Sansa runs into her favorite kennel girl, who is accompanied by Reek. Sansa has had it with her abuse at the hands of Ramsay. She’d rather die before the Boltons strip away all that’s left of her. Myranda, being the only person crazy enough to love Ramsay, is really relishing the opportunity to stick a few friendly arrows in Sansa. She doesn’t want to kill Sansa when the bastard she holds dear has plans that are so much worse. This is it for Theon. He’s had enough. Sansa’s stand against Myranda forces the former Greyjoy back out, as he pushes Ramsay’s sadist side piece to her death.

I don’t think anyone predicted Theon and Sansa running away from the Boltons in the wintery North back in the first season.


Help Yo Self

Cersei also has to help herself. The former queen finally gives in to the Sparrows and confesses to cheating on her husband with her cousin, Lancel. We’re all good now, right you guys? Not quite. The High Sparrow has his nuns put Cersei in the barber’s chair to give her the Furiosa special before marching her back to the Red Keep completely naked. Wave to the people! Blow them kisses!

Image via some guy on this page
Image via some guy on this page

As awful as Cersei is, no one deserves that sort of treatment. Her son, who she had sacrificed everything for, completely abandoned her in her time of need. She is forced to expose herself to the world. The people of King’s Landing hurl produce at her, like a right proper mob does. This is, undoubtedly, her lowest point.

The High Sparrow speaks of a trial for Cersei. That’s silly. Maester Frankenstein hooked her up with a refurbished Mountain. I wouldn’t expect the Faith Militant to make it to the end of season 6. She’ll get by with a little help from her monstrous friends.

Oh, did I say things were bad for Cersei? Uhhh, just wait until she finds out about Myrcella…


That girl is pooooissssooooonnnnnnn

(Yes, that was bad, even by my standards. I apologize for nothing.)

Hey, I totally called this one last week. Not that it wasn’t obvious. There was simply no way that Jaime was escaping from Dorne unscathed. Ellaria Sand needed her revenge for Oberyn Martell’s death. Myrcella was not the person to take it out on, but now she’s got the impetus for war that she was looking for. Hopefully the Dorne stuff gets a little stronger since it appears it’s here to stay.


And Now His Watch is Ended

I can’t believe they got me again. I thought I had learned to not get attached to anyone in Game of Thrones. Nope, apparently not. Jon Snow’s evolved throughout the show from Ned Stark’s bastard to Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Recently, he delivered one of the most thrilling fights in Thrones history. His staredown with the Night’s King suggested a good, long struggle between those two for the fate of mankind. At the very least, it suggested them meeting again in combat.

Nope, there’s no rematch coming. Jon is bleeding out in Castle Black thanks to the assholes in the Night’s Watch. Fuuuuuuuuck you Game of Thrones!

I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming this time. I let my guard down and Martin, Benioff, and Weiss burnt me. More so than Robb, more so than Ned, Jon Snow’s death bothered me. It doesn’t feel like the end of his story. Are we done with the Watch entirely now? With Sam in Oldtown, we certainly don’t have a perspective character there. The rest of that lot is so unlikable that I’m now rooting for the undead hordes of ice zombies to win.

For that matter, we’re running awfully thin on people to root for. Arya, Sansa, Bran, Hodor, Daenerys, Tyrion, Brienne, Davos…that’s pretty much it. Watch Bran pop back up in the premiere and immediately get consumed by wights. Perhaps the Lord of Light will simply restore Jon like Beric Dondarrion so many times. A guy can hope, right? Right!?


Stannis the Dead Mannis

"My only regret is every decision I ever made." (Image via HBO)
“My only regret is every decision I ever made.” (Image via HBO)

Not only did we lose Jon Snow, but we also lost Stannis in this episode. Holy crap! Remember when we used to have all the big stuff happen in the 2nd to last episode, then the finale would take the literary approach and wrap up loose ends while setting up the next season? Those were the days.

Stannis and Jon’s deaths weren’t about honor, it was about doing what it takes to inspire loyalty. Despite their intentions, neither of them did that. Stannis did whatever it took to win and lost everything. With half of his army gone, he was crushed. Stannis didn’t stand a chance. Even his witchy woman couldn’t stand by his side once she saw Selyse hanging from that tree. Granted, that was probably more about Stannis having her head, but she still ditched him at his darkest moment.

Notice how Melisandre said she saw herself walking the walls at Winterfell. There’s no mention of Stannis. She has appeared so sure of herself and her connection to the Lord of Light in front of him. Yet when she heard about how many times the aforementioned Beric Dondarrion had been brought back from the grave, she was visibly shaken. Melisandre is filled with as much bullshit as she is power.

Does she have a role moving forward? The Baratheon forces are all gone, only Davos is left. Davos, as you may recall, has tried to murder Melisandre in the past. What does Davos do now? He can always go back to being a pirate. He should team up with Tormund Giantsbane and they can have ever so much fun!

Things really took a turn from the beginning of the season, when Stannis was offering Jon a chance to reclaim Winterfell and finally be a Stark. The two of them together could have reclaimed the North. Now they’re both dead, abandoned by their allies when they needed them most.

Winter is here and it sucks.


Side Notes

  • I’m now thinking of Jaqen H’ghar as the Essos version of Mr. French from The Departed. A man tells a girl that there are men you can kill and there are men you cannot. Now, that is not quite a man that a girl cannot kill, but it is almost a man that a girl cannot kill. A man is going to make a fucking ruling on this right now. A girl doesn’t fucking kill a man. Do you understand?
  • Yo, you want faces? Well Jaqen H’ghar’s got faces on faces on faces!
  • ***MINOR BOOK SPOILERS*** I’m only just starting A Feast for Crows, but I have gotten far enough to know that it’s Jon that sends Sam off to Oldtown be a Maester. It’s an interesting decision for the show to make as it makes Sam seem stronger. In the book, it’s a great leadership move on Jon’s part, but Sam has to be coerced into it. The timing probably played a part in it too, since Sam left while Stannis was still at Castle Black and before Jon had gone and pissed off the entire Watch by picking up the Wildlings at Hardhome in the Watch minivan. ***MINOR BOOK SPOILERS END***
  • When do we see Rickon Stark next, when he’s 20 years old?
  • Very excited to get back to Hodoring, just as long as Bran is a badass ice wizard now.
  • Littlefinger was strangely absent from the season finale. What’s that crafty bastard up to?
  • I’m still in shock about Jon Snow. You Game of Thrones guys are stone cold.



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