Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: The Dance of Dragons

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Nothing to see here, just a tender moment between a father and his daughter (via HBO)
Nothing to see here, just a tender moment between a father and his daughter (via HBO)

Burning Heart

Stannis has been on a dark path since he was formally introduced to the show back in season 2. He’s fallen further and further under the influence of the mysterious Melisandre. In her defense, she has come through for him and the one time he didn’t listen to her, he got blown the heck up in Blackwater Bay.

This though? This is a new low for Stannis. He wasn’t this low when he was preparing to sacrifice Gendry. It wasn’t even this bad when he had some weird shadow baby thingy murder his younger brother Renly. His own daughter though? Good gods, man!

Ramsay’s sneak attack puts Stannis in this desperate position. The early snow has stalled his troops His supplies are low. The last true, legit Baratheon is at his wit’s end. He’s too stubborn to retreat. Not gonna do it. From his perspective, Stannis has one card left to play. It’s a horrific one.

Shireen’s death is easily up there as one of the most upsetting moments in Game of Thrones history. She was so innocent. She was a sweet little girl that helped Davos learn to read and wanted to help her father in any way she could. Stannis, for all of his sweet stories of doing all he could to save Shireen, still pulled the trigger. He let his daughter die in a way that Jon Snow wouldn’t even allow his worst enemy to endure.

Even Selyse, who seemed to openly disdain Shireen, tried to stop it from happening. This decision is beyond cold. It’s despicable. Stannis is truly lost.

You would think that such a vile move would majorly harm Stannis in the “Who Should Rule?” power rankings. You would be wrong!

1. Ned Stark’s corpse

2. Tyrion

3. Daenerys

4. Renly’s corpse

5. Jon Snow

6. Stannis

7. Ser Pounce

8. Hodor

26. Tommen

52. Tormund Giantsbane

400. The Night’s King

631. Cersei

745. Any Bolton

5,269. Littlefinger

5,270. Joffrey’s Corpse

Yes, it’s quite a list. The options, folks, they ain’t great. The best possible conclusion we can hope for in the season finale is the destruction of the Bolton family, followed by Brienne sticking Oathkeeper in Stannis’ fiery heart.

 

The Wall

Hey Jon’s back and nobody likes him because he brought Wildlings. Real shocker there. Go back to furiously masturbating in your bunks, guys.

 

Because this hit, this hit, it’s on my list

Our little wolf is all set to graduate from Jaqen H’ghar’s Assassin Academy. All she has to do is take out the local oyster-loving insurance salesman. Before Arya can slip The Thin Man some vanilla scented poison, she notices a swanky little ship pulling into port. Yeah, yeah, there’s Mace Tyrell. Whatever. She doesn’t even know who that pot bellied old bum even is. Guarding him though, that’s someone of great interest to her. Why, it’s none other than the man responsible for Syrio Forel’s downfall: Ser Meryn Trant.

She follows Ser Meryn into the first place anyone in Westeros/Essos visits when they’re in a new town: a brothel. Arya fits right in, because there’s nothing like someone walking around a whorehouse selling oysters. Mmm! After that shellfish I am totally down for making that love! This wonderful cover leads Arya to discover that Meryn Trant is gross and likes his women young. Really young. Bleh. I think we can all see where this is going.

It’s the ultimate test for Arya. Does she give in to her desire for vengeance, or does she embrace her new, faceless life? Needle is only a few rocks away…

 

Dorne

I’m not alone in thinking Jaime’s whole trip to Dorne has been super weird, right? It’s felt borderline pointless. Myrcella needs to come home, oh no she’s in love with her Dornish prince. Perhaps it would have been different if the Sand Snakes had actually succeeded in kidnapping her. They’ve barely felt like a threat, despite being expert fighters who know a few things about poison.

Now they’re being verbally smacked down by Prince Gout as he makes a deal to return the princess to King’s Landing. The young Flock of Seagulls-haired* Trystane is going with them to hold up their engagement and serve on the small council. Terrific. He should have some wonderful conversations with Tommen, Ser Pounce, and Kevan Lannister about how crappy everything is in King’s Landing these days.

*Okay, I’m exaggerating a little.

Something else has to come from this, right? Someone has to get poisoned at the last second to start a war between the Lannisters and Martells. It’s just gotta happen, you guys.

 

On My Signal, Unleash Hell

Via HBO
Via HBO

The whole setup with the fighting pits reopening in Meereen’s big ass gladiator arena felt a retread of Ser Jorah’s presentation of Tyrion back in “The Gift”. Yes, we know Jorah’s dying of greyscale. Yes, we know he might as well fight as a gladiator if Dany doesn’t want him. It wasn’t shocking that Mormont came out on top of the melee. When he tossed a spear right at the royal luxury box*, well, yeah that caught me off guard. Is he taking out the queen’s dumb fiancée? Is he taking his shot at Daario? Oh snap, it’s one of them harpy guys!

*Sponsored post: you can secure your royal luxury box for the fighting season for a low low deposit of 500 golden dragons!

Yes, the Sons of the Harpy didn’t just disappear once the fighting pits were reopened. Dany’s dragon feeding scare tactic didn’t work. They don’t want to be appeased, they want to be in charge again. Attempting to assassinate the queen in broad daylight on the biggest stage in Essos is as bold as it gets.

They would have gotten away with it too, if not for the whole dragon part of that “Mother of Dragons” title. You’re damn right that’s Drogon’s music.

Dany’s biggest dragon saves the day, burning suckas left and right like they’re nothing. He takes some spears but keeps on going. Foolish Sons of the Harpy, you’re not taking him down that easily. Dany finally gets a chance to reconnect with her wayward, fire breathing child. As she embraces her Targaryen destiny and rides Drogon to freedom, it’s clear that her storyline has been missing the dragons that made her so powerful in the first place.

Drogon’s rescue is another thrilling segment, and one that actually elicits cheers. It’s a rare triumphant moment in a season filled with darkness. For the second week in a row Game of Thrones ended with a sequence that left the audience in awe. It’s the best thing that’s happened to Daenerys’ story since a much smaller Drogon blew Kraznys the hell up in Astapor.

Soooooooo, what is going on with all the guys she left behind? Guess you’re on your own, gang. Sorry.

 

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