Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: The Gift

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"I mean, do you really even need a daughter?" (Image via HBO)
“I mean, do you really even need a daughter?” (Image via HBO)

The Night’s Watch is the Worrrrrrrst Part 48

Jon has been Lord Commander for about 3 minutes and here he is going north with Tormund Giantsbane to bring the Wildlings south for the winter. As soon as Jon leaves, the men of the Watch turn into even bigger shits than usual. Two guys try to rape Gilly and beat up poor Sam. Alliser Thorne is giving crazy side eye left and right. It’s a real shitshow.

And now Maester Aemon done passed! I always liked that old blind Targaryen. Now he’s with Jeor Mormont, guarding that big Wall in the sky. This leaves the Wall without a Maester, and Sam without a key ally. Gilly can’t stay at Castle Black much longer. Can Sam either? He can’t go home. Desertion will assure him a quick death by the blade. What is a large, well-read man to do?

 

Winterflay

The Night’s Watch is so terrible that Stannis won’t even consider retreating to the Wall to regroup. Dude would rather get snowed in than have to look at Alliser Thorne for another minute.

The early snow is bad news for his assault on Winterfell. Winter is here and it is not forgiving or kind. Melisandre has some ideas for how he can come out on top despite his worsening odds. Like all of her ideas though, it’s terrible and most likely effective. Look, just kill your own daughter that you love and the North is in the bag, my man. Stannis has done some shitty things (i.e. that shadow monster baby that murdered his own brother) but he’s not a total monster yet. Let’s hope things don’t go poorly at Winterfell. I can’t imagine Davos would react well to his reading teacher being sacrificed.

Behind the walls of Winterfell, Sansa is decidedly not enjoying her time as Mrs. Ramsay Bolton. She tries to get Reekity Cricket to aid her, but he is beyond broken at this point. Theon snitched on Sansa and got that old lady flayed. Ramsay is now feeling pretty, pretty, pretty good about himself between the snowstorm, Sansa’s homegrown help being smoked out, and Reek’s continued loyalty. It’s going to be so satisfying when he gets his comeuppance.

 

Meereen

Well look at that, Ser Jorah and Tyrion made it back to Dany in no time at all thanks to the friendly slave selling culture of Essos. Being bought and sold has never been so easy! I suppose I should be relieved that this shortcut spared us three more episodes of Tyrion glaring at Jorah Mormont and calling him an idiot. While they’ve had some weird adventures, the noble stick up the butt that is Ser Jorah isn’t exactly Bronn in the charisma department.

Daenerys really needs Ser Jorah and his “gift” more than ever at the moment. She’s about to marry that Hizdahr guy (still have to look that name up). She’s got Daario Naharis whispering in her ear about killing all of the former masters. It’s most likely terrible advice, but I can’t help rooting for Dany to burn that giant Banana Stand down. Meereen stinks. Maybe the injection of Tyrion into Dany’s storyline will give it the boost it needs. Meereen does open up a window to a whole different part of the world. Essos and Westeros are very different places with different cultures. Tyrion can teach Dany how to rule in Westeros as he discovers the joy of foreign wine. They can laugh and learn and love as they plot to overthrow Cersei.

On the other hand, I really want to see those dragons unleashed. Do the thing, Dany. Dooooooo it. DO IT.

 

Bronn

Saw some boobs and got poisoned. All things considered, it was a pretty average day for him.

 

Gotta Have Faith

The Faith Militant takeover of King’s Landing escalates as the High Sparrow continues to give zero fucks. Seriously, this guy just does not care. Locking up the Queen and her brother? Yeah, why not? Lady Olenna threatens to stop feeding the capital? MEH. Turning on Cersei Lannister and tossing her in a cell? Sure, let’s do it. The High Sparrow isn’t participating in any political chess matches. He is sure that the gods are on his side. His cause is righteous and he’s willing to lock up the entire royal family to prove it.

How great is it to see something backfire on Cersei so dramatically? She’s the smuggest smug to ever smug. She’s got a chalice that says “smug life” in gems. BOOM, she’s locked up with the rival for her son’s affections. Even if the Sparrows are gang of extremist religious maniacs, you have to respect that.

This all leaves Tommen on his own. The little guy is scared and confused. He misses his wife. He’s got blue balls like you wouldn’t believe. What would his predecessor do in this situation? Well, Joffrey would probably have them all publicly executed. With no one left to council Tommen, perhaps it’s time for him to try his brother’s path out. Or he’ll name Ser Pounce to the position of Hand.

 

Tormund Commercialsbane

Can we talk about Tormund Giantsbane popping up in Wyndham Rewards commercials? It really threw me off when I noticed it was him. He’s still rocking that mighty red beard! What a guy. I wish he had popped up in Mad Max: Fury Road.

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