Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

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Image via HBO
Image via HBO

Winterflay

There’s been a number of unpleasant endings to Game of Thrones episodes. “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” was easily the worst of the lot. Things have been going bad for Sansa since Lady took a dagger to the throat back in season one. This could be rock bottom for her. Sansa has gone ahead and wed Ramsay Bolton per Littlefinger’s guidance. As with all things Littlefinger, perhaps she should have listened to someone else. He told her she could use Ramsay to rule the North. Now she’s finding out just what a sick fuck he is and how kind Tyrion Lannister was.

Ramsay is not a kind man. He came off as a shy weirdo to Baelish when everything was being arranged. Now that the deed is done and they are man and wife, he gets to show Sansa his true face. Ramsay not only has to make the wedding official, he also needs to assert his dominance. It was a truly awful moment that sadly falls in line with the world established in Game of Thrones and its history of unwilling brides (i.e. Daenerys and Khal Drogo). That moment was ugly, but this one is far worse. Ramsay is little more than his beloved hounds. He’s a rabid dog that needs to be put down.

On top of raping Sansa on her wedding night, he makes Reek watch. As bad as his torture at the hands of Roose Bolton’s bastard has been, seeing his surrogate sister subjected to that horror could be the final straw. Reek twitches every time he hears his old name. Theon Greyjoy. He was somebody once. Someone who committed horrible, atrocious acts. What he didn’t do, however, was murder his surrogate brothers. He’s wound so tightly that he’s bound to snap at any time. Armed with this knowledge and all the motivation for revenge in the world, Theon is a danger that Ramsay doesn’t see coming.

The people of Winterfell have reminded Sansa that they’re here and they remember what was done to the Starks all too well. Stannis is coming. Brienne is lurking. Littlefinger is up to…something… Things are grim for Sansa, but they could get better in a hurry. Or, knowing Sansa’s luck, they’ll somehow get worse.

 

Thickity Gricket

My girlfriend pointed out that Reek/Theon Greyjoy is starting to look an awful lot like Rickety Cricket on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Maybe Reek will start playing drums on some trash cans.

Thickety Gricket

(Editor’s note: we really should have called him Reekity Cricket)

Lions and Cubs

Jaime and Cersei have gone on the offensive to save their remaining children. Jaime has taken the much more direct, open fashion of trying to sneak into Dorne with Bronn and rescue Myrcella from the clutches of those dastardly Sand Snakes and Dornishmen. Cersei has taken her usual devious route, unleashing the Sparrows to take down the Tyrell half of the royal family.

Granted, Cersei is a litttttle bit more interested in maintaining her power, rather than looking out for her little boy. Her gang of militant religious nuts is somehow both just within and just outside of the law. Her poor little teenage king has no idea how to handle it. That’s your wife they’re arresting my man! Do something Tommy Lannisters!

Tommen is hilariously out of his depth and has no idea how to stand up to his terrifying mother. This is Cersei unleashed, with no one to keep her in check.

That doesn’t bode well for her when Littlefinger comes to visit, though. She doesn’t know what he’s been up to, but she still gives Baelish control of the North once the dust has settled between Stannis and the Boltons. Baelish is playing everyone at this point. He’s always been very good at juggling all of his different machinations. As they grow in size, so does the risk. It’s just a matter of time before something blows up in Littlefinger’s face.

 

I’ve Just Seen a Face

Arya is playing a simultaneously creepy and boring as hell role-playing game in the House of Black and White. She levels up by sweeping dust and cleaning corpses. She is making progress though, in her quest to be an unstoppable assassin. Her mistake to this point is assuming that a Faceless Man just has to be no one. A Faceless Man has know how to be anyone.

Once Arya learns this lesson, the mysterious door beyond the crypt opens up and allows her to level up again. Just imagine the Zelda secret door opening sound next time you watch it and the whole thing will seem much nicer. Hey Jaqen, what’s up with the giant columns? Oh, these are thousands of faces that we can use for masks? That’s fun.

 

The Road to Meereen

Ser Jorah and Tyrion barely survived their encounter with the Stone Men of Valyria, yet they did make it and continue on the road to Daenerys Targaryen. Jorah isn’t as ideal of a traveling companion as Varys was for Tyrion. He doesn’t like to talk and won’t let Tyrion drink unlimited wine. They do communicate enough for Tyrion to break the news that Jorah’s father, Jeor Mormont is dead due to that whole Night’s Watch mutiny thing.

They debate the merits of Daenerys’ right to the throne before they’re ambushed by Mr. Eko from Lost and his crew of no-goodniks. Mr. Eko wants to sell Tyrion’s dwarf dick for its magical properties. Thankfully, everyone’s favorite character isn’t murdered and castrated thanks to some of that famous Tyrion Lannister smooth talk. He even got them a free ride up the coast! Sure, Jorah is probably going to have to win some gladiator battles to bail them out, but who doesn’t love movies about gladiators?

My main question here: how does an entire gang of pirates sneak up on someone in broad daylight? No wonder you were fired, Ser Jorah.

 

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