Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: Kill the Boy

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Image via HBO
Image via HBO

Did anyone else see the title of this episode and immediately think of the Little Mermaid song “Kiss the Girl”? Just me? FINE.

 

Look like the boy too shy

Ain’t gonna kill the boy

Sha la la la la la

Ain’t that sad?

Ain’t it a shame?

Too bad, he gonna miss the boy

 

As we all know by now, I have issues. On to the gaming and throning!

 

Mired in Meereen

Alas, this is the end of the road for the great Barristan Selmy. He took a lot of guys down with him, but dead is dead. Now, who does Daenerys have to get council from? Daario Naaharis? No way! The guy might be a smooth rogue in the Han Solo vein, but you don’t want council on ruling people from that guy. Ser Jorah’s off getting stoned with Tyrion (I’m so sorry). Grey Worm is bedridden and never really had an opinion anyway (Grey Worm has no opinion on Grey Worm Daenerys Stormborn).

Her best option is Missandei, whose response basically boils down to, “Go with your gut, boss.” Hey, in Dany’s defense, her gut is what got her an army of Unsullied. Although it did also her husband killed by a vengeful witch woman. Bah, damn the details.

Dany could just leave Meereen behind. She could take her army of Unsullied across the sea to Westeros and burn it all down. However, Dany comments early on that “a good mother never gives up on her children”. That’s very true, whether your children are flay happy lunatics, murderous bastard kings, or gigantic fire breathing dragons.

What does any good mother do to save their children in need? Why, she marries them!

Uh, what? Well, you see Dany needs to show the people of Meereen that she she’s here for the long haul. Marrying Hizdahr (you better believe I had to look that name up) shows Meereen that she cares about their traditions and values. Don’t look so glum, buddy. At least you’re not residing in the belly of a dragon. Haha I’m kidding. They burn you alive first.

 

Winterflay

The former Stark stronghold is buzzing with excitement for the impending nuptials between Ramsay Bolton and Sansa Stark. What a fine, pale baby they’d make together. Ramsay is trying to be on his best behavior. He didn’t even break Reek’s fingers for daring to speak to Sansa! Good boy, Ramsay.

Best behavior is all relative, of course. He’s still bedding the kennel master’s daughter and getting into all sorts of mischief. That dinner party was almost as awkward as the one hosted by Michael Scott and Jan Levinson. Ramsay’s such a punk that Roose has to upstage him with the announcement that his wife Fat Walda (that’s the character’s name!) is pregnant and  it’s probably going to be a boy. Roose knows that Stannis is coming and the kid’s gotta get his head straight. Flay them, not us.

Ramsay suddenly finds himself in the role of a jealous only child. He’s a bastard who only very recently was legitimized. He’s barely got power. I’m not sure I’d want to back someone like Ramsay into a corner. Even Tyrion turned violent after being shat on enough. Negging isn’t always the best strategy. “Listen, Ramsay, you’re only here because I raped your mother in a Braveheart situation and decided to let you live, stop being a dick.” I’d watch my leech-covered back, Roose.

On top of all of that fun, Ramsay has decided that it’s only fitting that the former Theon Greyjoy be the one to walk Sansa down the aisle. As far as Game of Thrones weddings go, this one is shaping up to be one of the worst. The rankings so far:

 

  1. Tommen Baratheon – Margaery Tyrell
  2. Robb Stark’s secret forest marriage
  3. Khal Drogo – Daenerys Targaryen
  4. Joffrey Baratheon – Margaery Tyrell (The Purple Wedding)
  5. The Red Wedding
  6. Tyrion Lannister – Sansa Stark

 

Yes, Tyrion and Sansa’s is dead last. It was horribly awkward and no fun was had by anyone. Not even Joffrey. The Red Wedding was actually a grand time before all of the horrific murder.

I’m really hoping for a Westeros version of The Graduate here, with Brienne yelling for Sansa to stop from above.

 

 

The Wildling Bunch

I hope you didn’t get comfortable in those Lord Commander chambers, Jon Snow. It’s time to go north again. Jon is the only one south of the wall who gives a shit about what happens to the Wildlings. The Night’s Watch actively hates them. The two sides have been in conflict for so long that no one even remembers why. “We’re free folk! Let us do what we want!” “We can’t have sex and have to watch this wall!

Jon has lived with the Wildlings and knows that despite their differences, they’re still people. They’re certainly not undead armies looking to overtake mankind once things getting a little colder and darker. Jon doesn’t want to execute a whole bunch of people for simply having different values than him. This makes him a Game of Thrones anomaly. The rest of the Watch doesn’t feel the same. That’s why Maester Aemon tells him to be a man! Boys let other people make their decisions for them, like telling them not to go to the bathroom in their pants and eating vegetables. Men can have candy and beer for dinner. Men can tell the rest of the Night’s Watch that they’re biased dummies.

But, to get the remaining Wildlings on the side of the living, he needs to go with Tormund Giantsbane (the guy with the tremendous red beard) to convince everyone that everything will be all right. Please swear that all of the well-armed men under your command won’t slaughter us as we approach the Wall. Thx.

Now, Stannis goes south with his family in tow to take on the Boltons as Jon Snow goes north once more to find out just how little he actually knows.

 

Stone Men! In a magic place, where the moon doth rise with a dragon’s face!

***This portion of the Game of Thrones post is brought to you by 7-year-old Steve.***

So, um, Tyrion and Ser Jorah are in this boat and then woosh there’s the big black dragon…ummmmm…oh yeah, Drogon! And then they hear a big sploosh and they say, “What made that big sploosh?” And then these stone guys try to hurt Tyrion and Ser Jorah and they have to fight them with paddlies and wood and stuff. And they can’t let them touch because because, they’lll, um, turn them into stone guys too and they’d be all mean and stuff.

Then Tyrion jumps in the water but one of the stone guys gets him and drags him down and I thought Tyrion was dead and I was sad because I love Tyrion and don’t want him to die. But then Tyrion woke up and Ser Jonah rescued him but he got touched and he has to be a stone guy. I hope he’s a nice stone guy.

***7-year old Steve has gone off to play with some Thunder Cats toys***

 

I really did think that was the end for old Tyrion. Nice job Game of Thrones. Will doomed Jorah Mormont get to see his beloved Khaleesi one last time? What the hell is Varys up to?

The Stone Men attack music reminded me of the Kirk-Spock battle music from Star Trek.

 

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