Sooooo, about that last Game of Thrones: The House of Black and White

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Photo via HBO
Photo via HBO

Braavosi Badass Academy

Arya bolted from Westeros at the end of the previous season, sick and tired of being handed off from captor to captor like a sack of potatoes. For a girl who so desperately wants to be an independent badass, she might as well be dead already. Arya’s one hope is to the find the mysterious Jaqen H’ghar (H’ghar the Horrible? I’m so sorry) and have him teach her the ways of the face changing assassin.

I guess Arya forgot about the whole face changing thing though, most likely on account of being a preteen girl thousands of miles from home. In a classic dick move, Jaqen, in the form of an old black man, slams the black and white doors on Arya. This is much like the time that the doors were shut on Jerry Seinfeld’s dreams of enjoying a black and white cookie without vomiting.

See Jaqen, like any good sensei, needs to test Arya before he can admit her into his Badass Academy. Once she threatens to cut down some bullies that want her well earned pigeon dinner, bam she’s in! Yes Jaqen, we know a man does not have a name but you’re really just Gene Parmesan.

 

Tarth Love

The highlight of “The House of Black and White” had to be Brienne going HAM all over Littlefinger’s goon squad. Poor Podrick Payne, good with all kinds of spears, terrible at almost everything else. Pod’s horse riding skills are on par with Indiana Jones’ best drunk friend, Marcus Brodie.

Brienne might be a boss, but what exactly does she plan to do with Sansa Stark if she frees her from Littlefinger? Neither of them want to go to Winterfell. The Wall is terrible. King’s Landing is obviously out. Sansa, like her sister, also flat out refused to go with Brienne. The prim Stark girl seems to have accepted her place with the creepiest man in Westeros. She could objectively do worse. Maybe it’s time to become a sellsword. Nah, Brienne’s not roguish and scummy enough for that life. Honor it is.

 

Did Sansa Get Lemon Cakes?

Possibly! There’s no telling what she had at that inn. In fact, an exclusive deleted scene on the special edition Blu Ray will reveal that she specifically asked Brienne if she had lemon cakes. She refused to go with Brienne as she could not provide the required sweets. Stone cold, Sansa. Stone cold.

 

Snake Box

Dorne certainly knows how to send a message. The Snake Box is a great gift for even your most hated enemies. This box features a handcrafted viper, sure to send the intended message of “I would like to murder you and reduce your home to tinder.” On sale for 10 silver stags at your corner street merchant!

Such a threat has spurred Jaime to act like a father for the first time in his life. Certainly a secret mission to rescue a princess from a community of dangerous people known as the “Sand Snakes” couldn’t go wrong. Jaime recruits Bronn to help him on this mission, as he’s very good in tight spaces and known for giving zero fucks. Can Jaime fight left-handed yet, or will he just use his wit and charm to get him out of every situation? Pretty sure his wit and charm lost him that hand in the first place…

 

Lord (Commander) Snow

Look at that, Jon Snow is Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch now. That’s swell. It was nice to see Sam actually hold his head up high and do something positive. Alliser Thorne would have been a miserable Lord Commander. Jon should do a fine job, even with half his men hating him. However, Jon taking on this responsibility means he can’t lead an army south and kick the Boltons out of Winterfell. Jon’s a sworn brother, but this is his childhood home we’re talking about! How would you like it if a bunch of assholes moved into your dad’s old place and put a bunch of pictures of skinless dudes up? You wouldn’t stand for that! Reek’s probably pooping everywhere.

 

Varys and Tyrion

took a ride in a carriage and had the same conversation as last week. Wake me when they get to Meereen.

 

Boo This Woman!

Dany got booed off the stage after executing her top peasant consultant. Yeah, the guy did pull a more justifiable version of the Rickard Karstark prisoner murder, but the crowd clearly didn’t want her to behead him. Dany’s rapidly losing control of everything. She can’t even keep Drogon on top of the pyramid for more than 5 minutes before he flies off in search of a small village to eat. I’m beginning to wonder if Daenerys and her army of former slaves will even make it out of Meereen. Surely, such a fate cannot befall the clear lead character of Game of Thrones (at least according to the Indian remake). She needs Tyrion and Varys sooner rather than later.

 

 

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