Life Hacks: The Purge

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Hey folks! I’ve been away for a few weeks and I know you’ve all been concerned ***crickets***.
Anyway, most of these thoughts have been buzzing on my brain and they needed out do here’s a double dose of Hacks.

  • Never sign any important documents without first pretending to read them.
  • I hope I never outgrow lying about knowing karate.
  • Eating 1lb of candy can only make you 1lb heavier. It’s simple fucking mathematics!
  • If you are pooping in a public restroom, don’t wait until everyone leaves before emerging from the stall. Some of us want to meet you!
  • Listen, if I’m in my pillow fort, the “Keep Out!” Sign is implied.
  • Guys, counter a woman’s silent treatment with your own silent but deadly treatment.
  • I hate clear garbage bags because what is that?!
  • I win 100% of my imaginary shower arguments.
  • Conspiracy Theory #42: Printer companies collectively abduct people’s pets in order to stay in business.
  • If someone held me at gunpoint and told me to write an uppercase cursive Q, tell my family I loved them.
  • Pretty much all animals screw that way, but somehow dogs get all the credit?
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