Nationwide is Sorry

Nationwide Kid

We received the following statement from Nationwide spokesman Chip Fakemanenstein in response to questions about their unusual Super Bowl ad.

We here at Nationwide understand that some people were upset about our Super Bowl commercial, warning of the dangers of child death. This is unfortunate. We are sorry that people don’t get it.

We are sorry that people don’t understand the household dangers that lurk around every corner. We are sorry that your dumb kid doesn’t understand that the ice cream pictured on television isn’t real and that pulling the TV won’t mean he’s pulling ice cream closer to his fat kid mouth. We are sorry that you never taught your child that the blue stuff underneath the sink isn’t blue juice that they need to chug like they’re at a kegger. We are sorry that you’re bad parents that don’t keep your child chained up in a windowless, padded room, where they’re taught by an inaccessible robot television and fed a fine protein paste that they can’t possibly choke on.

It wasn’t our intention to depress people as they gorge themselves on beer and chicken wings. Sure, we could have just trotted Peyton Manning out there to talk about his love of chicken parm and wonderful jingles. We’re thinking of the children. The children are our future. And if they’re not, they should have wonderful insurance policies. Just in case.

We’re on your side. Never forget that.

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