New York Giants (1-2) at Washington Whoozywhatsits (1-2) – Thursday, 8:25pm, CBS/NFL Network
The Giants travel to Washington to take on the legendary Kirk Cousins and his Native American-based football team. The Giants have recovered from their dreadful opening Monday nighter against the Detroit Lions to slightly lose to the Arizona Cardinals and beat up on the Houston Texans, who are of the strange belief that Ryan Fitzpatrick is an NFL quarterback.
The Washingtonians are also 1-2, but they’ve had impressive offensive showings against the Jaguars and Eagles, after starting their season with a sad sack loss to those same Houston Texans. Expect this one to be close, with a high potential for Eli Manning herp-a-derpery.
UPDATE: Oh, did I say Eli Manning herp-a-derpery? I guess I meant Kirk Cousins. 4 picks? YEESH.
Green Bay Packers (1-2) at Chicago Bears (2-1) – Sunday, 1:00pm, Fox
Green Bay has not been a happy place to start the season. The Packers’ 1-2 start has frustrated fans to the point of blaming Olivia Munn. Of course, they’re only 3 games in, and it’s not like Detroit or Chicago is going to put a lockdown on the division. The Bears and Packers have a great rivalry, so expect some fireworks in this one.
Buffalo Bills (2-1) at Houston Texans (2-1) – Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS
This is a matchup of teams with surprisingly successful starts that will most likely finish the season in last place. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Tennessee Titans (1-2) at Indianapolis Colts (1-2) – Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS
The Titans beat up on an oddly flailing Chiefs team in week 1, followed by absolute stompings at the hands of the Cowboys and Bengals. Don’t expect this one to be pretty. Andrew Luck might be all the Colts have, but that’s one hell of a neckbearded asset. Oh, and Jake Locker probably won’t play, leaving the Titans with Charlie Whitehurst. I don’t think the Titans will find their salvation in a man better known as Clipboard Jesus.
Carolina Panthers (2-1) at Baltimore Ravens (2-1) – Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS
Steve Smith has been staring at this matchup for a loooong time now. He’s probably going to catch 30 passes and celebrate touchdowns by rubbing his bare butt across the Panther sideline.
Detroit Lions (2-1) at New York Jets (1-2) – Sunday, 1:00pm, Fox
This one could be a bloodbath. It’s a minor miracle that the Jets were even able to win 1 game over the sad sack Oakland Raiders. The team’s best player, wide receiver Eric Decker, will be a gametime decision. The Lions aren’t great, but they know how to take out the trash.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) – Sunday, 1:00pm, Fox
Hahahahahaha, yeah, don’t bother with this one. Prediction: 435-3 Steelers.
Miami Dolphins (1-2) at Oakland Raiders (0-3) – Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS
No one wins in this matchup of AFL-ready talent. Prepare to groan every time Red Zone focuses on it for more than 30 seconds.
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3) at San Diego Chargers (2-1) – Sunday, 4:05pm, CBS
Just pick against Jacksonville every week in your survival pool and you’ll probably win.
Atlanta Falcons (2-1) at Minnesota Vikings (1-2) – Sunday, 4:25pm, Fox
The Vikings are hurting right now. Matt Cassel and Kyle Rudolph are hurt. Adrian Peterson and his Civil War-era child-rearing habits have been banished. Still, Teddy Bridgewater is intriguing. And Minnesota is playing outdoors right now for some reason, so maybe they can catch the Falcons sleeping. Or maybe Julio Jones catches 3 touchdowns.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-0) at San Francisco 49ers (1-2) – Sunday, 4:25pm, Fox
Here’s your game of the week! Chip Kelly’s boys have had to claw their way back into each game in this young season, but they’ve won all 3. San Francisco lost a valuable divisional game to the Cardinals and blew a big lead against the Bears. They need a win to keep pace in the NFC West. This feels like the first Eagles loss of the season, but counting out a team that’s come back in each and every game with an offense like that is folly. Should be a fun one.
New Orleans Saints (1-2) at Dallas Cowboys (2-1) – Sunday, 8:30pm, NBC
The Sunday night matchup should be a pretty good one. Drew Brees won’t be completely exposed to the elements in Dallas’ stupid kind-of-a-dome-but-not-really monstrosity. Dallas lost their opener with approximately 29 turnovers, beat the cruddy Titans, and barely came back against the Rams. The Saints…lost to the Browns. Another toss up, but it should be a shootout.
New England Patriots (2-1) at Kansas City Chiefs (1-2) – Monday, 8:30pm, ESPN
Tom Brady could probably use some support. The Patriots offense has turned into a real snoozer, dink and dunk piece of garbage. Brady is averaging 5.54 yards per attempt, which is just above the Raiders’ Derek Carr and the Dolphins’ Ryan Tannehill. Alex Smith is throwing more for more yards per attempt, and he’s Alex Smith!
The Chiefs need this one very badly, as they have both the Broncos and the Chargers in front of them in the AFC West. Jamaal Charles could be back for this one, but who knows? Even if he is, I’m sure Andy Reid will find an excuse to give it to him 5 times and have Alex Smith just throw throw throw to his no name receivers and the ghost of Dwayne Bowe.