NFL Rundown Weeks 1 and 2

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A Horrible Start Off The Field

The first two weeks of the NFL is in the books, and we already have a high profile and long overdue release and suspension, the internet (justifiably) calling for Roger Goodell’s head, a sexual assault lawsuit for noted scumbag Jerry Jones, one of the league’s top running backs using corporal punishment from the 1800s and so so so much more.

I can’t do the Ray Rice abuse situation any justice here. This isn’t that kind of post. But rest assured, I firmly believe he is garbage that should have been released long ago. Roger Goodell is obviously full of shit when he says that the league just saw that awful video of Rice knocking his wife out the day of his ban. However, the odds of Goodell stepping down are slim to none. The man is practically a super-villain. If Lex Luthor was real, he would be good friends with Roger Goodell. This asshole makes Gary Bettman look good. That’s unforgivable.

On top of all of this, two more running backs have been in the news for less than stellar reasons. The mild case is LeSean McCoy. Shady has been the subject of much scorn and mockery after he was called out for leaving a 20 cent tip at PYT. I remember PYT fondly for providing me with the unhealthiest thing I’ve ever consumed in my entire life: a cheeseburger with donuts for buns. Thanks Luther Vandross! Sadly, this isn’t the first time Shady has been called out for a dick move. At least the scale of dickishness was way lower this time.

Then, there’s Adrian Peterson. A warrant was issued for his arrest last week as he apparently whooped his 4-year-old son with a switch. Yes, A SWITCH. The Vikings have suspended Peterson indefinitely until the matter has been settled legally.

 

On The Field

 

NFC East

 

The NFC East looked horrible in Week 1 and slightly better in Week 2. The Giants are 0-2. Eli Manning has thrown 4 interceptions in 2 games and is aiming to top last year’s impressive interception total of 27. The Cowboys were awful in their first game, but managed to even up their record with a win over the Titans, who are apparently still an NFL franchise.

Then there’s the Washington football club whose name has been outlawed by public opinion. First, they gave the Houston Texans their first win since September 2013. Then, they beat the god awful Jacksonville Jaguars, but lost their franchise QB to a non-contact injury. Of course, half the fanbase has been clamoring for Kirk Cousins to start anyway.

The Eagles currently sit on top of the division, and they have been comatose at the start of both games. They have been outscored 34-6 in the first half. Chip Kelly is taking that “He ain’t gettin’ killed; he’s gettin’ mad!” line from Rocky III a bit too literally. Whatever adjustments Kelly has been making at halftime, they’ve been working. The Eagles have outscored opponents 58-10 in the second half of their two games.

A big part of that has been Darren Sproles. There was a lot of excitement over how the Eagles would use Sproles, but questions about just how effective the 31-year-old running back would be. The little guy has caught 11 passes for 166 yards and rushed 15 times for 97 yards and 2 touchdowns. He’s the new, old Brian Westbrook. That better be one hell of a fifth round pick for the Saints.

 

NFC North

The NFC North is a tossup. Chicago’s got a bunch of talent on offense, but Smokin’ Jay Cutler is about as reliable as **insert your city’s mass transit system here**. He’s got a cannon for an arm, but who knows if it’s going to reach the right target? The 4th quarter comeback over the 49ers was certainly impressive. The problem is, no one knows what kind of Cutler the Bears will get next week.

Green Bay has Aaron Rodgers back at the helm, but their defense is suspect. The receiving duo of Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb has been terrific so far. The Lions have the best receiver in the league, a pretty good QB, and a decent combo at running back. They also love to take penalties. The Lions are also amazing at underachieving. Minnesota is probably going to finish in last place, even if Adrian Peterson’s legal issues are resolved. Everyone is 1-1 at this point. Your guess is as good as mine.

 

NFC West

 

The NFC West could go to anyone that isn’t the Rams. The Seahawks and 49ers are very good. Arizona’s got a tough defense and some talent on offense, although they have to rely on Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton at QB. Do you know who Drew Stanton is? I sure don’t. San Francisco was well on their way to a 2-0 start when their defense, which annihilated the Cowboys in week 1, completely crumbled in the fourth quarter against the Bears. Letting Jay Cutler come back over you? Yeesh.

I was going to fawn over just how good the Seahawks are, but then they went and lost to the San Diego Chargers. Like the Saints, the Seahawks are a much better team at home. Unlike the Saints, they don’t play under the roof of a dome. Seattle just didn’t have an answer for Antonio Gates, who managed to not be injured for a game and catch 3 touchdowns. The annoying 12th man mourns in his neon green jersey.

 

NFC South

 

Seattle neon green actually seems somewhat pleasant now, thanks to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. If that’s what we can expect Nike to take future NFL jerseys, then just fold the league now. Does Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation come up with this garbage? The colors don’t make any sense together. Their digital clock numbers look even worse in action. Oh yeah, the Bucs lost to Derek Anderson in week 1, who hadn’t started a game since 2010. They then proceeded to lose to the St. Louis Rams, whose best played is their kicker. Great job, guys.

Elsewhere in the NFC South, the mummified corpse of Stephen Jackson that is in Atlanta’s backfield seems like it’s in poor taste. Jackson has had 98 yards rushing in two games. It looks like Falcons fans are in store for another season of schizophrenic Matt Ryan. He’s an all pro! He’s an overrated bum nicknamed after the worst beer in the world! At least they have Julio Jones. Rumor is that they’re trying to convince him to sleep in a bouncy house at the team’s training facility between games.

The shocking team in the South is the New Orleans Saints, who have started the season 0-2. The Falcons loss was fine. A divisional opponent that’s flawed but talented? Acceptable. But losing to the Cleveland Browns? I don’t care how bad you are on the road, losing to the franchise so pathetic that the movie Draft Day was centered around them instead of the also lowly Bills.*

*(Okay, it was because everything’s cheaper in Ohio)

Carolina currently leads the division, having started 2-0. They’ve managed to win despite having to start Derek Anderson for an injured Cam Newton in the first game. Even with their 2-0 start, the Panthers seem far too thin to win this division. Their offense features Jerricho Cotchery as the number 2 receiver on the depth chart. How does the Panthers backfield still feature DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart? It’s been like this for the better part of a decade!

 

AFC East

 

The AFC East is a complete clusterfuck at the moment, but you know it’s just a matter of time until the division collectively shrugs and gives in to the New England Patriots. The Buffalo Bills seem to come running out of the gate every few years just to completely deflate midway through the season. The Jets have some of the best stars that peaked a few years back in Mike Vick and Chris Johnson. Vick is backing up Geno Smith, who looks to have all the mediocre magic of Aaron Brooks. And of course there’s Eric Decker, who left the warm embrace of Peyton Manning’s pizza filled arms for the reality show-a-rific New York/North Jersey region.

 

AFC West

 

As for Peyton, he’s doing just fine, throwing approximately 10 touchdowns a game to Julius Thomas. The AFC West could be a cakewalk. The Chiefs are off to a dreadful start. Jamaal Charles has 23 rushing yards in 2 games and a high ankle sprain, making him the early contender for fantasy football dud of the year. The Raiders are…the Raiders. They’re now being quarterbacked by Derek Carr, who looks like he was rejected at a Sin City casting call.

The Chargers could be trouble. They beat the Super Bowl champs and fell just a little bit short against the tough Arizona Cardinals. Buuuut they have Ryan Matthews as their primary running back. That guy has a healing spell that’s only good for a year at a time or something, because he gets hurt every other year. This is one of those other years.

 

AFC South

 

Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Texans currently lead the AFC South at 2-0. They might have a fighting chance if Fitzpatrick just plays competent football (see Matt Schaub from 2008-2012). Arian Foster is off to a great start. Even JJ Watt is catching touchdowns! Jacksonville will most likely be among the league’s worst again. The Titans aren’t very good and will only get worse after the inevitable Jake Locker injury. The Colts should win this sad sack division with ease, but they’re off to an 0-2 start and might need Andrew Luck to throw on every down.

 

AFC North

 

Lastly, we have the AFC North. The Bengals lead the division, having won their first two games. They should be the division winner with their strong defense, a phenomenal receiver in A.J. Green, and some decent rushing options. A lot of this falls on Andy Dalton. He’s always been pretty good, known more for his ginger nightmare looks than actual quarterbacking skill.

The Steelers are thinner than ever, and will be heavily relying on Ben Roethlisberger and Le’Veon Bell. The Ravens had a really quiet, incident free offseason and obviously any and all failures are entirely on Joe Flacco.

And who can forget about Cleveland? Oh sweet, bitter Cleveland. You princes of failure. Ben Tate’s already hurt. Johnny Manziel is going to be a glorious PR dumpster fire. Maybe they’ll spoil someone’s season once Josh Gordon returns from his suspension. At least they beat the Saints, they can live off of that for a while.

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