Top Gun 2 is in the works, and I’m the perfect man to make this film. Just hear me out and I guarantee you’ll be signing a check for a garbage truck full of money to make this picture.
Well, let’s get this over with.
We open up in the MAVERICK HOUSEHOLD. TOM CRUISE is really giving it to KELLY MCGILLIS, because Pete Maverick is a red blooded American man who loves women like that. Real heterosexual stuff. Then he gets a call. It’s his old rival, Iceman (Twitter superstar VAL KILMER). Their former Commander, Viper is DEAD. MURDERED. And they’re the only ones who can solve the case.
The two brainstorm over some volleyball, when BOOM, the ball explodes. A mysterious figure stands in the shadows of the beach with a gun. He emerges and it’s ANTHONY EDWARDS. That’s right. Goose is back, with a vengeance.
You see, Goose never died. No, the Soviets captured him and now he’s the personal assassin for Vladimir Putin. It. is. ON.
That is the exact plot of the second Captain America movie.
Well, not exact. You never see Captain America play volleyball or make hot, passionate, heterosexual love. But, fine, if you’re going to nitpick it, then I’ll move on to my next pitch.
Maverick and Iceman have moved past their problems and are the best of friends. They run a small flight school in Hawaii. But then, the country goes to war with North Korea and they’re called back into action. Maverick and Iceman must train the next generation of Top Guns, with some help from their old pals TOM SKERRITT and MICHAEL IRONSIDE.
Who is this next generation? CHANNING TATUM and JONAH HILL take their chemistry from 21 Jump Street and bring it into the cockpit. They must go up against their cocky rival pilots played by RYAN GOSLING and MICHAEL B JORDAN. And what about all the sexual tension with C-Tates and lady pilot JENNIFER LAWRENCE? Can they get past their differences and sexiness to take on the forces of Kim Jong Un (tastefully played by KEN JEONG)?
Overwhelmed by the trillions of dollars that film will make.
Do you have anything else?
Maverick wakes up in a cold sweat. He keeps dreaming about Goose. His death. He needs closure. Goose appears in his dreams, warning him about some great danger and a traitor in the US Air Force. Maverick wants to believe him, because they were bros. But, there’s one problem: Maverick was replaced by drones years ago. He’s been living a tough life of day drinking and bartending on the beach. He reaches out to his old rival Iceman-
You really want Val Kilmer involved.
IT’S NOT TOP GUN WITHOUT VAL KILMER! Do you know ANYTHING!?
Please calm down.
Sorry, I just really love the popcorn house in Real Genius. It left a mark on me.
Like I was saying, Maverick and Iceman go on a quest of espionage and intrigue as they travel the world trying to get to the bottom of the drone program and the Illuminati behind it. They enlist the help of sexy analyst KATE UPTON and feud over her affections, all the while trying to avoid the evil General, playing by that guy with the shotgun from the beginning of The Dark Knight, WILLIAM FICHTNER. And he’s going to have a henchman who also flies planes and is a total badass played by WENTWORTH MILLER from that show Prison Break.
Think The Da Vinci Code meets Bond meets The Pelican Brief and has a four way with Top Gun.
So, let’s get on the ball and get this made.
Please, let us go.