Wes Welker Suspended For Being Too Scrappy

Smells like victory
Smells like victory

Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker received something other than a football on Tuesday – a 4 game suspension.

Welker, perhaps best known as WELKAAAAAAHHHHHH, is reported to have been suspended for use of the amphetamine MDMA (or Molly) at the Kentucky Derby. Welker won a buttload of money at the Derby and handed out hundred dollar bills to anyone he happened to stumble upon. There’s like 5 hours of lead up to a two minute horse race, of course the guy was taking drugs! Do you expect someone to go through that sober?

No, no, the NFL is a reasonable league that doesn’t sweat the small stuff. There’s something more to this. The league has suspended Weston F. Welker for being too gritty. Too scrappy. He’s a lunch pail guy and you have to let lunch pail guys do lunch pail off-time things.

Wes Welker is a national treasure, the likes of which only Nic Cage can generally find. He caught 435 passes in 2013. You can’t hold Welker down, NFL. Mr. Goodell, lift this ban and let Westhopolous Welker wear his ecstasy-inspired hats when he is not consuming footballs like a hungry, hungry hippo. It’s the right thing to do.

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