In case you missed it, Comcast, a complete and proud evil bag of shit of a company, has recently run some ads with Titus Welliver as spokesperson. Most viewers probably know him from his work on LOST, where he played the human personification of an ill-tempered floating carcinogen and was, thematically, the total embodiment of evil in that television universe. Now, this is nothing against Welliver, who is total boss-sauce as an actor and steals most scenes he’s in, but I’m not sure having a GIANT BLACK HATE-CLOUD as your spokesperson is necessarily the best choice for a company with reputation of post-office level customer service. You might want to soften the edges there a little, Comcast.
You know what? No. I take it back.
I bet Comcast knows EXACTLY what they’re doing. They just bought out Time-Warner and are in full, “Well, fuck it. Who’s gonna stop us?” mode. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t changed their name to Omni Consumer Products and tried to buy Detroit yet.
The problem is they just haven’t found the right evil corporate spokesperson yet. So in order to help our new telecom overlords, I’m here to suggest six spokespeople more apt to represent Comcast than Titus Welliver.
- Jack Gleeson in character as Joffrey Baratheon
Irish actor Jack Gleeson is, by all accounts, a swell guy, but really captured the evil asshole niche by playing the King of All Twats on HBO’s Game of Thrones. Thing is, he’s SUCH a swell guy, that he’s decided to retire from acting to pursue an academic career in philosophy and theology, which means no competing schedule. You hear that Comcast, he’s free and clear. You can tell him the film crew’s gonna arrive anytime between noon and September and he’ll have to wait around without bitching, and I know how you love that.
2. Dick Cheny
Get the whole patriotism thing going just in time for the 4th of July with the former VP shooting customers in the face with middling fiber-optic speed!
3. Robin Thicke
Jump on the hit parade, Comcast! Get your very own subtly rapey misogynistic pop star without the PR nightmare of hiring Chris Brown. Imagine the customer-retention campaign of Thicke singing “Get her Back” while leering at woman and forcing your sub-par telecom services on former customers who thought they had escaped the nightmare of a business relationship with you. IT’S A CAN’T-MISS!
4. Luis Suarez
And you think Google Fiber gives you the most terror-bytes?!?!?!
5. The US Supreme Court
Yeah, they’re supposed to be the apolitical, logical, legal, and moral backbone of our three-branch system of government, but imagine the evil-reputation building effect of saying, “We bought the fucking system!” Also, it’s nine for the price of one, so that’s a pretty substantial ROI. Imagine the viral marketing coup of Samuel Alito banging a gavel and declaring not having the Comcast Triple Play unconstitutional. How about having Clarence Thomas declare, “It’s Comcastic!” after every decision? The possibilities are endless, and lord knows they’re open to crazy ideas.
Because I need the money and would sell out in a fucking heartbeat for that kind of pay day. Verizon bills don’t come cheap, you know.