Game of Thrones is a beast of a show to keep up with. Backstabbing, betrayals, love interests, politics, DRAGONS; there’s just so much to follow. The show returns on April 6th for its much anticipated 4th season. Make note that I refuse to look it up online and haven’t read the books, so there is zero chance of me spoiling the upcoming season for you here. This doesn’t mean that you should go ahead and spoil it for me. Please don’t spoil it for me. I’m an ugly crier.
Tyrion Lannister – The god of tits and wine got hitched to Sansa Stark and is now coming up with all sorts of kooky ways to avoid creepily sleeping with her. Oh Tyrion, you scamp.
Jaime Lannister – He lost a hand, but gained a lifelong friend in Brienne. They skipped and jumped and narrowly avoided rape and bear murder across Westeros as they made their way to King’s Landing. I imagine that Jaime is very excited to get back to his ways of incestuous affairs and throwing children out of windows. No, no, of course not, Jaime has changed!
Joffrey Baratheon – Still a piece of shit. Here’s Tyrion slapping him set to a 10 minute Led Zeppelin tune.
Cersei Lannister – Awwwww, Cersei got engaged! Sure, it’s against her will to a fairly obvious homosexual, but still, you guys! More weddings!
Tywin Lannister – Much like his horse upon arrival, Tywin shit all over everyone in King’s Landing in season 3. He forced marriages on two of his three children, belittled Tyrion at every opportunity, and was generally an unpleasant man.
Margaery Tyrell – Lady Smirksalot stepped up her manipulation game, and has firmly cemented her place in Joffrey’s cold, dead heart. I’m sure that their upcoming wedding will be a complete success with no problems whatsoever.
Robb Stark – He’s got a pretty sweet wolf head now as he marches off to Casterly Rock to…oh no no no no no that was HIS WOLF’S HEAD! Poor Grey Wind didn’t even stand a chance.
Catelyn Stark – She dead. Lady Catelyn had one of the most gut wrenching deaths on a show that excels at wrenching guts. Her anguished cry over Robb’s corpse still haunts me to this day.
Jon Snow – Jon went undercover, got laid, and now has to help the blue balled men of the Night’s Watch prevent an invasion of Wildlings. He still knows nothing.
Arya Stark – Arya bid goodbye to Gendry and Hot Pie (yes, there was actually a character called Hot Pie), but she teamed up with The Hound for the Westeros version of Cop and a Half.
Bran Stark – Bran spent most of season 3 getting carted around by Hodor and learning how to control animals. The wacky Warg is traveling beyond the Wall this season to find his destiny or something with some kids. I’m sure this will work out well.
Sansa Stark – Well, I guess she’s Sansa Lannister now, congrats! How Sansa hasn’t thrown herself off of a balcony by now is beyond me.
Hodor – Hodor.
Daenerys Targaryen – We last saw the Mother of Dragons crowd surfing over a bunch of peasants. It was weird. Now, the number one GoT name that requires me to do a Google search to properly spell it has to learn how to lead. All I ask for from Daenerys is a couple of dragon incinerations a season, that’s all.
Jorah Mormont – Ser Jorah looks sadder with each episode as Daenerys builds up her army and advisers. The poster boy for “The Friend Zone” will hopefully something to do besides desperately shouting “Khaleesi” all season.
Stannis Baratheon – Still vaguely creepy, still listening to Melisandre’s every unsettling word. Hopefully he won’t be handling any more penis blood leeches this season. Stannis is now aware of the threat of the White Walkers, so it looks like he’s headed north.
Davos Seaworth – Ser Davos learned to read from the comfort of a jail cell, thanks to a lonely little girl. If Westeros had sappy award judges, they’d give them all to Davos’s storyline. He also saved Leechdick from certain death. Bless you, Onion Knight.
The Rest of Westeros
Samwell Tarly – Sam stumbled his way away from the Night’s Watch and back again. He also accidentally figured out how to defeat the White Walkers. Oh and he helped out some lady and her incest baby! Good times for Sam. Okay, besides the whole seeing your brothers in arms turn on each other thing. That was a bit of a downer. He also helped Bran get across the Wall! Holy shit, Sam was busy.
Ygritte – She was justifiably pissed at her mans Jon Snow after he chose the Night’s Watch over the fiery redhead that broke his proverbial cherry. Ygritte is hoping to stick a few more arrows into Snow before all is said and done. I can’t wait for the Wildling assault on Castle Black.
Brienne of Tarth – After fulfilling the goal of every romantic comedy’s lead and changing a man for the better, Brienne finds herself stuck in King’s Landing. At least they’re not going to make her fight a bear there, right? RIGHT?
Roose Bolton – Fresh off of betraying the Starks, Bolton is poised to take his place as the Warden of the North. How can he top the Red Wedding? Maybe he will start using a child’s skull as a chalice, or slaughter a whole bunch of puppies. What a guy!
Theon Greyjoy – Theon spent an entire season being tortured after winning the season 2 award for being the biggest fucking idiot in Westeros. He also lost his manhood, and spurred 1,000 Justin Timberlake “dick in a box” memes. What’s on the plate for Theon this season? More torture! Although his sister is coming to rescue his ass.
Did I forget someone major? Probably. There’s a lot of people to keep track of, dammit. I have no clue about what’s coming up, unless that one guy on Facebook was right about that spoiler he posted to piss people off. I should probably just read the books already. Probably.
Update: I noticed an uptick in traffic on this post recently. If you enjoyed this and want to read more of my Game of Thrones musings, I wrote pieces on nearly every episode of the season.