UNTIED’S 80s MARCH MADNESS SELECT FIRST ROUND HIGHLIGHTS
Our team brings you just a few first round highlights from this highly contested tournament, and a complete breakdown of all first round action detailed at the bottom of this page!
1. Airplane vs. 16. Cannonball Run
A pissed-off Kareem Abdul Jabbar fueled a first found romp over the Cannonballers. Kareem’s message was clear when he told a young hater to “tell his old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court” after he was derided for being soft on defense and only trying in the playoffs.
5. Fletch vs. 12. Gremlins
Irwin R. Fletcher, sporting his newly coiffed afro (pictured above), turned on the proverbial lights against a Gremlins squad that seemed more interested in their post-game meal instead of focusing on the task at hand.
8. Twins vs. 9. Loverboy
Armed with a heavy dose of extra anchovies, Randy Bodek kept pounding it into the paint all night long against the Benedict brothers. Free moustache rides were offered to all in attendance after the Senor Pizza squad made 69 deliveries.
5. Bachelor Party vs. 12. Teen Wolf
In the always versatile 5 vs. 12 seed match-up, Coach Bobby Finstock and his all-star guard Scott Howard knew there was only one thing they had to do in this game…win in the end!
4. Revenge of the Nerds vs. 13. The Great Outdoors
With their sixth man sidelined due to an arrest for mopery, the Tri-Lambda frontcourt had to put in a full forty minute effort to dispatch Roman Craig and one very big bear. Rumors swirled around the post-game locker rooms where it had been theorized the Tri-Lambda’s infiltrated the opposing team’s practice facility the previous night and videotaped their game plan for this highly anticipated match-up. UN Jefferson, Tri-Lambda spokesman, offered no comment.
1. Caddyshack vs. 16. Summer Rental
Team Bushwood completely dismantled the Barnacle crew in what many considered a sacrificial offering in first round play. Spaulding Smails’ final line: a hamburger, no a cheeseburger, a hot dog, a milkshake, potato chips, and you’ll get nothing and like it.
7. Moonstruck vs. 10. Sixteen Candles
When a distraught Ronny Cammareri couldn’t play due to losing his hand in a tragic bread baking accident, the Brat Pack sailed to easy first round win. Cammareri had to be sedated after he threatened to kill himself. Team representatives said he is resting at home.
1. Trading Places vs. 16. When Harry Met Sally
Karate man may bruise on the inside, but they didn’t lay a finger on Bill Ray Valentine as Trading Places advanced with an easy opening round victory. Post game festivities came to an unceremonious end due to a cigarette party foul at the Winthorpe house (see video below).
4. The Blues Brothers vs. 13. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
In what could only be construed as a play-in game slight, Cousin Eddie, fresh off a shitter-cleaning win against Jack Burton, took Jake and Elwood to task. Playing with the fury of a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant, the Griswolds shook off an insurgent pack of Illinois Nazis in order to secure the opening round upset.